Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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