sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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