no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
