I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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