Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
