am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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