You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
