i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
