I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
