i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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