if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
