If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
