if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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