Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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