Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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