i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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