im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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