I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
pop tarts are not kleenex
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
