I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
we have pet lesbian snakes
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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