I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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