I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
