guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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