You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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