So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
