I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you would pick up someone in the library
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
