Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
