Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
