my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
