My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
a search helicopter?!
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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