college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
