sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
