So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
