God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
