officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
