I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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