She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
