someone owes me an orgasm
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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