very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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