sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
