So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
