Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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