I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
where does the pee come out of this thing
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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