Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
