Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
