FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
