3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
