Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
