he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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