I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
