Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
